Replace the door.

Replace the pantry door, I figured.

It'll be easy, I thought.

Jason and I can finish it fast, I prayed.

Anywho...Day 2 in progress.

Yesterday we got the door, the supplies, parts, other random shit to replace the door. As we started the deconstruction, we realized how goddamnfuckingidiotic the previous owners were. Instead of using normal little brad nails to hold the random pieces of wood into the other random pieces of wood, they used what Jason referred to as two penny nails. I call them motherfuckingrailroadspikes.

Much beating the shit out of wood took place. One piece of wood, of which I do not recall the purpose, was a mere 4 inches wide and 8 inches long. To hold this gi-fucking-gantic piece of wood in place, someone decided that 7 nails in lengths varying from 2 inches to 4 inches were required. I also recently learned, by the grace of the previous owners, that you must use a nail every 4 inches to hold up drywall.

So, at the end of Day 1, most ridiculous crap removed, door installed.

Day 2.

During the Day 1 destruction, we noticed that every time we hit something, the lightbulb would flicker. I decided that I must replace the lightbulb and install a recessed light in the ceiling. Fucking stupid idea. Three hours later and lots of drywall removed, holes drilled, electrical fucked with...the light turns on. I think I also completely insulated my lungs as the shit falling out of the hole I cut in the ceiling was constantly inhaled.

Due to the completely worthless drywall in place, we decided to use paneling to just cover that shit up. Off to the store to get panels, shelf shit, and other random things to finish up. We get about half of the panels in, some of the shelf holder shit, and times up. Jason had to go hang out with Number 3. He will be back later. He gave me homework.

Homework did not go well. I did get nearly all of the missing drywall installed. Looks like Tetris took a shit in my pantry. The "measure here and cut this and install it here and it will look great" thing...oh dear.

Measured wrong, cut wrong, used the same piece to maybe get it in the other spot, measured again, cut again, fuck it...At'll do!

Time to relax before he returns and hell starts again.

The Zit is back

I have previously written about my Zit. He is an asshole. Pops up in the most inconvenient places just to annoy the shit outta me. Inner ear, nose, inner nose, forehead, lip, myfuckingarm!

Arm Zits. What. The. Fuck!? The little shit was the size of a damn grape.

Still, the worst is what I call the cluster zit. You see it...big...red....pain. You squeeze what you think is the puss ball and you notice puss and blood water coming out of areas that are not the puss hole! Even more annoying is the damn spot you can see the puss ball is just sitting there saying, "Fuck you, asshole! Those are my minions and you shall never savor my puss!"

I had the Zit as a blackhead on my lip for years. I would squeeze the shit outta him to force an inch long puss worm out of my face, only to have it show up a couple of months later. Once I finally got rid of him after years of squishing..painful, horrific, puppy killing pain...he showed up as a giant puss filled ball of goo on my face.

I eventually started using a cleanser that cleared up all zits on my face. I recently ran out. Zits appeared everywhere. Nose, ear, back of ear, neck. Quick trip to store and all but one cleared up. Little fucker just inside of my ear hole would not die.

Anywho, dealing with that shit of a zit in my ear that the cleanser did not reach was agonizing. Can't really clean the inner ear with cleanser. It was getting to the point where I had issues with headphones. Casual scrapes with my fingernails did not seem to be doing the trick. Finally, after a rigorous fingernailing, the thing seemed to start to go away. Rejoice! Today it is nearly gone. Only a remnant of the thing remains.

However, it seems I have angered the Zit.

Yesterday I wake up with a strange feeling in my eyeball. I go to a mirror and notice a redness in my right lower eyelid. I peel back my eyelid to see what this could be. I see a thing residing in my inner eye skin. While this can be referred to as a Stye, I know what the fuck it is. The fuckerhead Zit has taken residence in my eyeball! I know this is the truth because there is not a single zit on my craniumal area. There is always one. It may be a small red spot that will eventually go away. It may be a giant puss filled growth that Mitzi pleads to pop while chasing me with Kleenex wrapped around her fingers. There is ALWAYS one zit on my body somewhere.

Sadly, this little fucker on my eyeball is unpoppable. Warm compress and patience will prevail! The Zit will not win!

Only upside to this...

As long as he resides in my eyeball, my face will remain clear of baby zits.

Skin sucks shit balls.

Project Managers

Everyone knows that I am not fan of project managers. There have been a few that I have been able to tolerate, but overall I would rather stabby stabby them in the eyeballs.

The following is a paraphrased version of an email exchange with a project manager.

PM: Can you make a VPN for the client.
Me: There really isn't any information in the ticket.
PM: Here is their information.
Me: How about our side?
PM: Don't you have that?
Me: Uh. No. I don't know which of the 50 different environments they want to connect to.
PM: I asked someone else and they gave me this information.
Me: OK. I can make a VPN with that.
PM: Can you fill out their form.
Me: You have both sides of the information.
PM: Can you fill out their form.
Me: You want me to take our form, copy our information, paste it into their form?
PM: Yes.
Me: Uhm. Ok. Here. I literally pressed CTRL-C while highlighting our information, switched to their form, and pressed CTRL-V.
PM: .
Me: Can you or the client fill out our form?
PM: Can't you do that?
Me: Mother. Fuck.

I really think that the requirements for project managers is:
1.) Do you know what email is?
2.) If you answered yes to 1, do you know how to forward an email?
3.) Do you require assistance with breathing, eating, drinking water, wiping of the ass?
4.) If you answered yes to 4, we can accommodate that with one of our engineers.

Compost bins complete

Noticed a couple of weeks ago that Costco has the compost bin thingamabobs available again. I also got a nice little food scrap compost thingy a bit back. I was putting stuff in it for the time I got the compost bin. I took a tad too long to buy the bin.

Don't. Ever. Do. That.

The stank was beyond anything I have ever produced on my own. Old rotting vegetables do not have the aroma you would like. Shoving dog shit up my nose holes would have been a more pleasant experience.

Anywho, today I decide to get one if it fits in the new car. I take measurements and make sure that I do not write them down since my mind is like a freaking funnel! Anything that goes in will eventually get out. So, I head down to Costco and notice that the box they come in is unusually small. No measurement memory required! Hmm. Must be a bit of assembly required. No worries! I got this shit!

After pushing the thing around Costco in the cart and praying that some shithead kid will stop in front of the cart since the giant box blocks all forward view, I make it to the checkout without once having the simple pleasure of a crying child.

I load the thing in the car and it barely fits. I toss in the jalapeno cheddar sausages and head home!

Once home I remove the box that somehow gained several pounds and start the construction. Cut the plastic thingies. Remove all of the nuts, bolts, plastic shit, metal poles, panels, stuff. I find the English part of the manual and start the work.

Bolt, twist, screw, hammer, huh?, whatthefuckisthat?, screw, flip, turn, read again, hammer hammer hammer, fit you fucking plastic fuck, drop bolt, drop screw, confusion, nope, unscrew, screw, bolt, unbolt, manual, whowrotethisshit?, ouch, flip over, flip back over, fucking wind, water, read, whodecidedtobuythisfuckingthing?, sonofabitch!, maybe the old one isn't so bad, persevere!, didn't say anything about two people, howthefuck?, what time is it?, I need to be shorter so I don't have to bend over so damn much, chiropractor needed, screw, bolt, hope I have some beer in the fridge, flip, bolt, jiggle bolt, jiggle bolt, fucking jiggle you piece of shit and fit in the god damn hole!, yup...beer.

After what I think was 3 hours, the fucking thing is done. I get Mitzi to help carry to its final resting place, dump the shit from the old one in, and crawl to the couch.

That thing better make mulch that will grow some damn Avatar looking shit.

The joys of plumbing

So...having a pretty decent morning. Take Mitzi's car into the mechanic for a free checkup. Get home, relax a few. Get up to start cleaning.

Mitzi calls from the bathroom stating that there may be a leak. I look and notice that there is a really really slow leak on one of the things that come out of the wall. I head to Lowe's to get a replacement valve thingy.

Now, this is what I am guessing is the conversation that occurred right before this family headed out to Lowe's.

Father: Hey, Honey! I am going to head to Lowe's to get a bunch of stuff for the house.
Wife: That sounds great!
Father: I will be going up and down each and every aisle, stopping every few feet with my cart, blocking as much as possible, in the vain attempt to locate the items I need.
Wife: Those are awesome plans!
Father: Hey, Honey! Why don't you get our six little crotchftuits ready to head to the store with us. Make this a family outing!
Wife: You are an awesome father!
Father: Hey, Kids! Why don't you each eat as much left over Halloween candy as you can before we go! Also, down a couple of packets of sugar while you are at it!
Kids: Yay, Dad!
Father: Make sure each of you grab a shopping cart when we get there!

Anywho, I head home with what I think is the right part. I empty the bottom of the sink in a gingerly fashion by crazily tossing everything into a pile in the hallway. I grab my trusty wrench to get the thingamastuff off the pipe. It starts to turn easily and I feel that this might not be so bad.

After about half a turn, the nozzle thingy starts to angle in a way that pipes should not angle. It then just falls off. I feel around the pipe and notice that there isn't much pipe, and what is left is all bendy.

Seems that the pipe had rusted to the point where it had a tiny leak. I broke it all to shit just to teach it a lesson. Hoping that they can get a plumber out today so we can have water again.

OMGHI-DEFLOLZORSWOW!

So...I have another little rant about something that is just driving me insane.

HDTV, Big Screen, Flat Screen, Plasma, Hi-Def, HD Programming, etc.

Can we just stop with this shit?

From the WIKI:
"In 2007, LCD televisions surpassed sales of CRT-based televisions worldwide"

TWO THOUSAND SEVEN.

It is no longer HDTV or HI-DefOMGWTFBBQ~! It is a fucking TV. Get with it.

Just yesterday..."Spacewalk Photos: Russian Cosmonauts Install HD Cameras on Space Station"

NO! They installed CAMERAS on the Space Station!

Another one I just heard again this week. Using "space age technology". Are you fucking kidding me. We landed on the moon in 1969. Math. 45 years.

You're doing it wrong.

As I read about another idiot that is being held by North Korea, I attempt to find a way to help prevent this from occurring again. My only thought is, "Don't fucking go to North Korea you stupid shit!"

It seems to be happening more and more. We got this latest guy. There as another guy a bit ago that got caught doing some humanitarian work. We have that chick that is the sister of that other chick that is on TV. About the only shithead that doesn't get held in North Korea is Dennis Rodman, and we want them to keep him!

This is not the only story I am sick of hearing about on the news. There is also the ever so prevalent "dumbass hikers got their stupid asses lost in the wilderness and we are spending a ton of money to find them" story. Honestly, if they figured out how to get where they are, let them figure out how to get back. If they are stuck on a ledge, lost in the forest/desert/mountain/river/lake or anything else, LEAVE THEM. Why should my tax dollars or park fees or anything else go towards preventing Darwin from removing another dipshit from the planet?

They don't call it wilderness for shits and giggles. 

wil·der·ness

ˈwildərnis/

noun

1. 1.

   an uncultivated, uninhabited, and inhospitable region.

Get it? If you get lost in something with that for a definition, you deserve it. Don't come back. Feed the locals with your tasty meats. Ferfuckssake...if you can get lost when you can mount a GPS to your fucking eyeball, you deserve to die alone in the wilderness.

There is a reason I do not go hiking in the wilderness. There is a reason I do not climb mountains. There is a reason I do not snowboard. I have a simple rule for that covers pretty much every extracurricular activity.

Can I die doing it?

If the answer is yes, I politely pass on whatever activity is involved. Since I am not dead yet, my rule seems to be working just fine. 

Yes, I know I can also die driving to work, walking down stairs, eating grapes, aggressively farting, etc. However, I am MUCH LESS likely to die from those things. As most everyone knows, I can almost kill myself opening a package of cotton balls. Why would someone as accident prone as myself actively put my fragile person in harm's way?

Anywho, back to the main point. As we are entering yet another ski season in Utah, I am anxiously awaiting to hear about the first fuckwad out-of-bounds snowboarder that gets himself buried in an avalanche...bonus points for a corpscicle. I look forward to the father and son team on their out-of-bounds snowmobiling trip where the crying trophy wife whines about how they "were supposed to be home last night". I am pretty sure we will put another notch on the "dead boy scout" tree. I am predicting one dead and one injured hunter for this season...super double bonus points if they are together.

Now if they would just start sending the search and rescue bill to these dipshits, I would be satisfied. If they just stopped looking for them, I would be extremely satisfied...might even giggle.