Runny nosed

So...in 2013 I was a normal person. I got stuffed up, blew my nose, spewed out the gelatinous nose goop that normal people got. I was fine with that.

On December 30th, I had a runny nose. Not normal runny, but gushing runny. Some fuckwad had finally gotten me sick after 10+ years without the flu. Yeah, I caught gastroenteritis once, but still...no flu. I had just started the new job and endured the day leaking out of my face. By the time I left work, I was walking down the street literally dripping out of my face. I had completely given up on trying to stem the flow of watersnot draining out of my nose.

I spent the rest of the day on the couch in a fuzzy haze of consciousness. I figured I would be fine for New Years Eve and rested the entire next day on the couch while still drooling out of my nose hole. I also spent New Years Day on the couch. I did not have a fun New Years.

Anywho...seems that this episode of the flu has completely fucking broke my middle face holes. I have yet to get stuffed up. Sniffling is pretty much pointless. When I have something in my sinus that requires access to the world, it exits my body as something slightly more dense than water.

I do breathe much better now without ever having to deal with a stuffed up nose. Both sides are pretty much clear at all times. It does kinda suck just sitting here, minding my own business, being a good little boy...when all of a sudden the floodgates open and water just starts to drip out of my face. There is no warning, no contributing factors, nothing to give me an idea that this is going to occur. It just starts dripping. I nearly always feel the waterfall before it reaches the exit, but it does come close at times. It does not last long. A single tissue takes care of the flow.

Pretty sure I am screwed and also lucky. Oh well.

Healthy twins

On a more serious note....

A couple of weeks ago I experienced some pain. This pain was not the normal pain I usually experience...and I experience a myriad of pain types.

Anywho, I finally went to the doctor. I NEVER go to the doctor.

After a quick and dirty grasping, the doctor determined that my fears were not as I expected. My week of sleepless nights were for naught. He did prescribe an ultrasound to make 100% sure that his findings were sound. He also suggested new underwear and not let them "hang low".

Oh dear.

So, after his findings were "confirmed", I went on a happy bathtimescaping.

A few days later, the time came. I had to head to the laserbeamologist for the ultrasound thing. I had never been there, so I showed up a tad early....45 minutes early.

Seems there was nobody in line, so I got checked in, processed, seated real fast. At this point, I figured I had a good 30 minutes to play some Plague, Inc for a while and try to relax.

Thirty. fucking. seconds.

A nice, attractive, friendly, mid-twenties gal walks out and asks if I am ready. I smile and greet her. She states that she has a student that she would like to sit in, but it is up to me. At this point I have lost all shame and state the fact and we head to the room.

Another nice, attractive, mid-twenties gal is standing by the door.

I get the sheet, a towel, a reference to a bunch of other towels (just in case), and they leave the room. I get to it! After some wrangling, I am positive that everything is in order!

The knock, the confirmation, the entrance, the complete and utter horror that two attractive women are now walking into a room where I am laid out on a bed with my balls neatly displayed between a bed of cotton!

At this point we go through the "typical" conversation of "done this before", "boy or girl", "pressure", "clench", "all done".

Once they leave I am able to get dressed and cleaned up. My god. The amount of lube on my ballsack was epic. It was everywhere!

Overall...no cancer. Just antibiotics and some 800mg stuff for inflamation. I live! My balls live!

Now I just to finish up with the antibiotics so I can stop farting like a damn cow. I swear I have lifted off like a space shittle on occasion.

My cat is still an asshole

Peacefully dozing at 1am while Mitzi marathon watches some show. A small tremor shakes the bed. The dog lets out a small cry. A rumbling noise permeates my cranium. A gentle touch to my face. Pointy objects dig into my cheek. A small voice cries out in the night, "Meow."

Seems Poopsqueek ate all the food.

I roll over onto my side away from him. He slowly creeps down the bed, making sure to annoy Hans once again, and makes his way to my calves. 22 lbs of cat is now standing on my legs in an attempt to make them move me into the other room to make food appear. He eventually gives up and leaves after annoying Hans yet again.

As punishment for waking me up...

Every time I see that asshole sleeping I am going to push my finger tips into his face, roll him over, and then poke his hindquarters several times.

Complete. Total. Asshole. Cat.

Body wash and shaving cream

Forgot again to put a new bottle of body wash in the shower. The giant bottle of Head and Shoulders became Head and Back and Arms and Legs and Butt and Belly Wash.

Also...a warning...Neutrogena Skin Clearing Shave Cream is FACE ONLY. I repeat...FACE ONLY. Think I am going to be tingling for the next few days. Feels like a damn minty air conditioner is going off in my pants.

Again...FACE ONLY!

So...uhm...yeah.

Metered entrance ramps

Today I am making the fun commute to work and finally get to the turn lane for the freeway entrance. There are two turn lanes and I notice that there are 5 cars in the left lane and 4 in the right lane. However, there is also Mr. Brakeandcreep slowly moving up to the end of the line in the right lane.

I jot over to the left lane and wait. The light eventually turns green and my lane speedily moves into the on-ramp and the line of cars waiting for their brief green light.

The right lane I notice that Mr. Puttputtbrakeandcreep is slowly coming around the bend behind me. I look at ahead of him and see the sweet sweet back end of a tractor trailer. I blink and swerve into the right lane which does not give him enough time to speed up and block...he actually attempted to do just that.

Anywho, I look in my rear view mirror and see a look of utter and complete frustration on his face. In my mind I am thinking, "Do it! You know you want to. Just do it!"

I see his head pivot, glance into mirrors, and there he goes. Quick lane change into the left lane. I giggle.

As we move forward, the tractor trailer is just a couple of cars in front of me. He gets his light and my lane jumps forward. The minivan behind the truck was not speedy enough and misses his light. I get my green light and look back to see Mr. WhatthefuckwasIthinking 6 cars away from getting his green.

It is sad that there are people like him in the world. This was not a single occurrence. This happens a few times a week. I see people swerving and cutting other people off just to get out from behind a tractor trailer in the metered entrance lanes.

I swerve to get behind them!

Replace the door.

Replace the pantry door, I figured.

It'll be easy, I thought.

Jason and I can finish it fast, I prayed.

Anywho...Day 2 in progress.

Yesterday we got the door, the supplies, parts, other random shit to replace the door. As we started the deconstruction, we realized how goddamnfuckingidiotic the previous owners were. Instead of using normal little brad nails to hold the random pieces of wood into the other random pieces of wood, they used what Jason referred to as two penny nails. I call them motherfuckingrailroadspikes.

Much beating the shit out of wood took place. One piece of wood, of which I do not recall the purpose, was a mere 4 inches wide and 8 inches long. To hold this gi-fucking-gantic piece of wood in place, someone decided that 7 nails in lengths varying from 2 inches to 4 inches were required. I also recently learned, by the grace of the previous owners, that you must use a nail every 4 inches to hold up drywall.

So, at the end of Day 1, most ridiculous crap removed, door installed.

Day 2.

During the Day 1 destruction, we noticed that every time we hit something, the lightbulb would flicker. I decided that I must replace the lightbulb and install a recessed light in the ceiling. Fucking stupid idea. Three hours later and lots of drywall removed, holes drilled, electrical fucked with...the light turns on. I think I also completely insulated my lungs as the shit falling out of the hole I cut in the ceiling was constantly inhaled.

Due to the completely worthless drywall in place, we decided to use paneling to just cover that shit up. Off to the store to get panels, shelf shit, and other random things to finish up. We get about half of the panels in, some of the shelf holder shit, and times up. Jason had to go hang out with Number 3. He will be back later. He gave me homework.

Homework did not go well. I did get nearly all of the missing drywall installed. Looks like Tetris took a shit in my pantry. The "measure here and cut this and install it here and it will look great" thing...oh dear.

Measured wrong, cut wrong, used the same piece to maybe get it in the other spot, measured again, cut again, fuck it...At'll do!

Time to relax before he returns and hell starts again.

The Zit is back

I have previously written about my Zit. He is an asshole. Pops up in the most inconvenient places just to annoy the shit outta me. Inner ear, nose, inner nose, forehead, lip, myfuckingarm!

Arm Zits. What. The. Fuck!? The little shit was the size of a damn grape.

Still, the worst is what I call the cluster zit. You see it...big...red....pain. You squeeze what you think is the puss ball and you notice puss and blood water coming out of areas that are not the puss hole! Even more annoying is the damn spot you can see the puss ball is just sitting there saying, "Fuck you, asshole! Those are my minions and you shall never savor my puss!"

I had the Zit as a blackhead on my lip for years. I would squeeze the shit outta him to force an inch long puss worm out of my face, only to have it show up a couple of months later. Once I finally got rid of him after years of squishing..painful, horrific, puppy killing pain...he showed up as a giant puss filled ball of goo on my face.

I eventually started using a cleanser that cleared up all zits on my face. I recently ran out. Zits appeared everywhere. Nose, ear, back of ear, neck. Quick trip to store and all but one cleared up. Little fucker just inside of my ear hole would not die.

Anywho, dealing with that shit of a zit in my ear that the cleanser did not reach was agonizing. Can't really clean the inner ear with cleanser. It was getting to the point where I had issues with headphones. Casual scrapes with my fingernails did not seem to be doing the trick. Finally, after a rigorous fingernailing, the thing seemed to start to go away. Rejoice! Today it is nearly gone. Only a remnant of the thing remains.

However, it seems I have angered the Zit.

Yesterday I wake up with a strange feeling in my eyeball. I go to a mirror and notice a redness in my right lower eyelid. I peel back my eyelid to see what this could be. I see a thing residing in my inner eye skin. While this can be referred to as a Stye, I know what the fuck it is. The fuckerhead Zit has taken residence in my eyeball! I know this is the truth because there is not a single zit on my craniumal area. There is always one. It may be a small red spot that will eventually go away. It may be a giant puss filled growth that Mitzi pleads to pop while chasing me with Kleenex wrapped around her fingers. There is ALWAYS one zit on my body somewhere.

Sadly, this little fucker on my eyeball is unpoppable. Warm compress and patience will prevail! The Zit will not win!

Only upside to this...

As long as he resides in my eyeball, my face will remain clear of baby zits.

Skin sucks shit balls.